Struggles and Triumphs

I suffer and struggle with mental illness. I say suffer because there are times of great pain and I say struggle because I am a firm believer that I can ultimately control my thoughts and actions and when I fail it is frustrating. I am a Christian and want to lead a life that is Godly and honoring my Savior but many times lately I feel like I have fallen really short of that goal. Now my feelings can be very subjective - mainly because that is what feelings are. But maybe I can shed a better light on some things.

I have been told I am Bi-Polar, which explains a lot - of course I was told by one therapist/psych that he didn't want to "label" me. He was concerned that I would focus on the label, not thinking I would take the diagnosis and learn all I could so that I could help myself get better. Yeah, it made me want to dump his body into the cold river. See, I have Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde mood swings - it is not split personalities, just mood swings - and they can be rapid cycling, fine one minute and then something just tweaks the wrong way and a nuclear bomb goes off in my head and something ugly is born. Now it depends on what mindframe I am in on just how long that ugly thing stays - could be 15 min, could be 2 days. Needless to say it doesn't make me an enjoyable person to be around or even be for that matter. It doesn't make me happy and it certainly doesn't allow people to see God's light shining in me.

Yes there is medication I can take and I have in the past but am not currently because my husband and I were looking into getting my tubes untied so that we could have a child and I am not willing to take anti-psychotics while pregnant. But our hopes for that happening anytime soon have fallen through, which has been another frustration. I know God will work things in his time and I am committed to follow his lead. I was following a vitamin and mineral supplement regimen but finances have made getting those not a priority so it looks like it will be back on meds, because at least they are covered by health insurance. I am not thrilled with this because I do not like putting medications in my body if I can possibly help it. And am uneasy with stuff that affects your brain. Yes, they help and that is why I will be back on them for a bit.

I have struggled with mental illness and my faith for awhile. I couldn't see how any of my rages benefited God in anyway - if anything it showed how horrible a Christian could be. But when I am having one of my hateful, spiteful rages I still have clarity and there is a part that reaches out and up towards God. Those rages? They are getting shorter in length which is a comforting thing. You see, my struggles and suffering just help God's glory shine even brighter - it isn't from sin or guilt of sin that I suffer or struggle. Or at least, it isn't any one PERSON'S sin that suffer and struggle. Because there is sin in this world there will be hurt and strife. And I suppose I could point fingers - my parents, Their parents, THEIR parents and go along the line until I get to Adam and Eve. But in the end I am in control of ME and that is who I am going to concentrate on. So while I had a raging episode today it was shorter than others before and it led me to write this - after I listened to some uplifting music, which always helps me. Maybe it will help someone else.