Monday, July 18, 2011

Taking Back

I feel like a broken record - I keep saying I am going to be more consistant and change but then I hit that little bump and I am back at where I started from. Let me just say that I am very glad that God put certain people in my life. These chosen few have earned the right to kick me in the arse when I get my head up there too far (it happens on occasion because I tend to think I have it covered). One such person, Sarah, did this recently and I am very appreciative because it helped craft this article and hopefully will see the lessening or ending of the whole "head-up-arse" thing. There is always hope.....
In this writer's life I have discovered that there are many ups and downs - and for me there are a lot of downs associated with my writing life. Not that it is depressing, but because the more I dig into the workings of the publishing world my mind starts focusing on the minutia of it all and I struggle with uncertainty and doubt that I have what it takes. Am I a writer? I didn't always write like some others who "knew" or always wanted to be a writer. If I am a writer why am I wracking my brains to get a simple scene down? Why can't I seem to plant my BIC (butt in chair) and write? I mean, writers write, right? So if I am a writer, why can't I write? And the thoughts continue to spiral like a toilet flushing with never ending crap.
Then a light bulb went off as I was procrastinating with laundry. I am re-reading "Think and Make It Happen" by Dr. Augusto Cury and decided to take the swirling toilet-pit of my mind through his steps for thinking correctly and getting you back on the main stage of your mind.
  1. I am going to stop the constant "why why why" in my head. It sounds too much like whining and it is wasting my time and energy. I am not accomplishing what I would like to do - which is write.
  2. I am going to be truly honest with myself. I am going to step back from the middle of that swirl and take a deep breath. I value honestly almost above all else, so if I can't be honest with myself then how can I be honest with other people?
  3. I am going to allow myself to really feel the emotions that are bouncing around so I can understand them better than just reacting to the effects.
  4. I am going to discover the roots of the spewing rupture in my mind, find out just where the break or crack is and why it has the ability to flood the theater of my mind and take all the enjoyment from my life. Journaling helps with this and also I am giving myself some cues to be able to step back from a reaction to look at it.
  5. I am going to stop letting my emotions and turmoil direct the movie of my life. Are they even registered with the Guild for that? I am the director of this movie and They are going to go to boot camp. I am not a victim of my circumstances or events, I will not be pushed around.
  6. I am going to doube and criticize the validity of these kamakaze thoughts and moods. Are they truth? When shown in the light do they shine with truth or do they just puff out like smoky shadows?
Now I am not saying any of this will be easy, heck no, those dark thoughts and moods like their little cramped corners just fine. But I believe I am worth the effort and I also believe that anyone else out there that suffers from mental illness or insecurity is worth it too. We are Image-bearers of God, not some accident, mistake or whatever. We all have purpose and the biggest enemy we have to confront and conquer is ourselves.
Who else out there struggles with insecurity in their craft? What do you do when you are facing a dark time? What helps you get out of it? I am always up for ideas.

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Tribute to Mom

This year we celebrate 150th anniversary of the civil war. This Mother's Day I celebrated the ending of my personal civil war, and it is all thanks to a woman who brought life to me. Let me clarify, this woman is not the one who biologically made me, she brought life to my spirit and my soul. She taught me about Jesus and God but most of all about love. I, with my child's mind, didn't understand unconditional love, not really, so I rebelled and she still loved me. Our world fractured and she still loved me. She has spent years on her knees in prayers over me, guess she didn't know that I had said my heart-felt prayers to Jesus when I was little, but I didn't feel like I belonged, didn't understand that unconditional love, so I thought I did it wrong and was not his.

Tossed into the storms of this world's life I was battered and bruised, but God saw fit for me to always find that safe port, home, where I had felt that love but didn't understand it. Each time I left to “make it by myself”, I know she must have cried tears and wished I could see the love, graceful love, meant for me. A continent rose up and separated us, physically and emotionally, yet still she prayed. Years of the world's grime caked on and left me disillusioned, bitter and cynical. Finally I looked towards the man I had looked up to as a child, Jesus. He was my hero then, I wanted to be just like him. I came to him now and asked just what could he do. He said nothing, just washed me clean and wrapped me in his arms. And while my heart rejoiced, my mind quarreled. While I was spotless in his eyes, I was a Dalmatian in my own. I looked back at the road I traveled. Guilt draped its robe on me while Shame crowned me. My heart kept knocking them off, my mind kept putting them back on.

This Mother's Day, I discovered who I belonged to and I called the woman who brought life to me – my Mom, this woman who introduced me to Jesus, the life of the world. For that is what true mother's are, life-givers. Some do that physically, others do that spiritually – if you are truly lucky you get both in one. I want my Mom to know that she has “Mom-angels” out there, other life-giving creations that have her back and brought her prodigal daughter back to her arms.

Thank you Mom and to your helpers.