And then there were these sawdust chips......

Hello my friend, I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes to the light
Then the light that you had when your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain’t worth stayin’
You wanna run but your hesitatin’
I’m talkin’ to me

Don’t let the lights go down
Don’t let the fire burn out
Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don’t you rise up now?
Don’t be afraid to stand out
That’s how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance, Are you gonna take it
There’s a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There’s a girl on the streets, she’s cryin’
There’s a man who faith is dying
Love is calling you

~Britt Nicole, The Lost Get Found

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

~Matthew 7:1-5

The Holy Bible : English Standard Version.

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself. ~Abraham Lincoln

Now I am one who is really big on being honest and truthful in things - it makes things easier all around, honestly. That being said, it makes one squirm a bit when they take an honest and truthful soul-searching look at themselves and see that while they have been pointing out flaws in others they have had a figurative hole in their drawers. Well maybe not that gaping or embarrassing but still it wasn't until I received a devotional in my email this morning that I realized that I was demanding something from this world and its people that it was not able to give. Granted, it isn't that it CAN'T give it it is just that it is out of practice and a bit spoiled and rotten at the moment. I would like to think we can, as good old Abe so nicely put it, de-skunkdefy it and make it into a glorious country again. Despite what naysayers think, it CAN be done. I mean the Ark wasn't built in a day but it WAS built - and by a really old man no less. There are going to be bumps and bruises, wins and losses and that is all ok it is part of the journey but the end reward is going to be worth the ride. Are we going to enjoy the whole thing? Heck no! There are going to be part we are going to absolutely abhor and want to vomit over but it is all par for the course. Remember folks there were many times that God handed over his chosen people to their enemies because they disobeyed or became frivolous. Do you think you are more deserving then they? Be careful, your plank is showing.

Joy to the World? Eh, maybe not

I have been the wayward child, I have acted out
I have questioned Sovereignty, And had my share of doubt
And though sometimes my prayers feel like, They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go, And is the reason why...

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart, Many times before
My life has been like broken glass, And I have kept the score
Of all my shattered dreams and though it seemed
That I was far too gone,, My brokenness helped me to see
It's grace I'm standing on

~Natalie Grant, I Will Not Be Moved

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things. Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged natural relations for those that are contrary to nature; and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in themselves the due penalty for their error. And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a debased mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God’s decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but give approval to those who practice them.

~Romans 1:18-32 The Holy Bible : English Standard Version.

Whatever we worship, short of God, is sure to be our undoing. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Ah Christmas time in America, such joy and cheer and jubulation. Wait, that ISN'T what you have been getting on your nightly news? Come to think of it, it hasn't been on mine either, hmmm. No, there has been much bickering, finger pointing and hate-mongering going on during the time of the season where love and peace is supposed to reign. And I almost am ashamed to say that a lot of the fear mongering is being promoted by the christian community. I mean, come on, did you forget who your commander in chief was? So what if the gay community "wins" the "right" to be legally married. It is just a piece of paper in this world. Do you really think it is going to bypass God's sovereignty? That they are going to be able to march up to the pearly gates and thumb their nose at him and go "nah nah we got you?" Really? They are saying that it is going to debase the sanctity of marriage. Seriously? Oh I think the cheating, physical, emotional, mental and substance abuse that leads up to the, what 95% divorce rate covers that. Do I think is wrong, heck yes I do! But God granted free will and who am I to try and prevent what he allows? I am not God. And you know what? He allows punishment for going against what is good and just and his will. DUH. So let them have their moment in the sun, let them find out the grass isn't greener. Besides, this all happened before anyway - read your history book, the bible. Everything that has ever happened is in there - it is a great read, you should try it some time. I mean granted, the bad guys keep getting more clever as time goes by but still you learn new stuff every time you read it. Personally I almost wish this world would go to hell in hand basket, it would mean he is coming soon and I could go home and everything would be heavenly - literally.

The World or God - is there really a choice?

Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.

Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

~ Proverbs 23:17-18 The Holy Bible : English Standard Version.

Be careful little eyes what you see, It's the second glance that ties your hands
As darkness pulls the strings

Be careful little feet where you go, For it's the little feet behind you
That are sure to follow

Be careful little ears what you hear, When flattering leads to compromises
The end is always near

Be careful little lips what you say, For empty words and promises
Leave broken hearts astray

The journey from your mind to your hands, Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand, You just might be sinking

And thoughts invade, choices are made
A price will be paid
When you give yourself away, People never crumble in a day

It's a slow fade, When you give yourself away
It's a slow fade, When black and white are turned to gray

~ Casting Crowns - Slow Fade

We have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the Bill of Rights. ~Felix Frankfurter

I used to joke that I was "banned" from watching news because it would drive me nuts. The onslaught of negativity that vomits continualy from the boob tube was disgusting. It got even worse during the election year with the adoration of Obama and I am not even going to say how it has been since he has been president - and no, I am not a fan. I am proud to say I voted for the other guy and that I CHOOSE to turn the channel when the news comes on and they continually spout negativity and drone on about information that is not uplifting or encouraging. I don't care about Tiger Wood's problems and I have already heard the weather report so I can change the channel now, thank you very much.

I can't say that my religious devotionals are all that much more uplifting at times either - everyone seems to be in panic mode that we are going to collapse and fall into ruin and be the devil's playthings. This brings me to a bit of eye rolling because I go to my bible and check my facts and it says right there in black and white that Satan can't touch me because God protects me. I mean, yeah, I could die and that would suck but in a way it wouldn't because then I would be with God and that would rock. I wouldn't hurt anymore, my suffering would be over, the mental torture that I go through almost daily would be gone. I don't know about you but that would be a blessing. If a civil war broke out tomorrow and my family perished and we went to be with God do you really think I would complain? Not likely. And those who have been saved shouldn't worry about themselves either because they are covered and they should know that and not fear but they are acting like scared rabbits.

I have found that I have found that a lot of my mental grief has dropped away as I stopped worrying about what the world worries about and looked at God. This world can go away, He has me and it is all good. I mean yes, I love my husband and my kids, I am not selfish like that. But if God called me home I am not stupid enough to say no. I will know that my purpose here was done and it was time to go home. So as the Christmas season starts to ramp up lets try to remember the words the angels told the shepherds that blessed night and the same words Jesus said many times to his disciples when they showed fear in troubled times.

Do not Fear, I am With You.

My Biblical Heroes

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes

~ Psalms 37:7 The Holy Bible: New International Version

I love the way that your heart breaks with every injustice and deadly fate
Praying it all be new and living like it all depends on you

Here you are down on your knees again, trying to find air to breathe again
Only surrender will help you now, I love you please see and believe again

I love that you’re never satisfied with face value wisdom and happy lies
you take what they say and go back and cry you’re so close to me that you nearly died

they don’t have to understand you, be still
wait and know I understand you, be still be still

~ Flyleaf - Again ~

"You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex - they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex; you need to solve the puzzle" ~Wilson to House on House MD

I have always said that my two favorite people in the bible are John the Baptist and Apostle Paul. Now John the Baptist has been a favorite for some time, Paul not so much. Both are brash and vocal about their beliefs - much like House on House MD though maybe not so vulgar. I think we need more Pauls and Johns in today's world but sad but true they would more than likely not put butts in seats in the churches. More than likely they would offend and upset people. People today don't want to hear that they are sinners - in fact many churches don't even say the "S" word anymore. I mean, really? I have to be honest with you but I don't go to church to show off how perfect I am or how perfect my life is. I DO go to church to be with other broken, sinful people who know and love Christ and worship him. We raise him up and glorify what he does in our lives and how he saves us from ourselves. See church is where you learn about God and celebrate what his grace and mercy does in your life.

John the Baptist was the herald of the coming of Christ. He was also his cousin. He understood his purpose as herald and lived it to its full extent. We look up to him for his dedication but I am sure if we ever had actually met him many of us would have thought he was a bit nuts. He lived in the wilderness and shouted at people about the coming of the Messiah - the only way to equate this to something now would be a homeless preacher on a busy street corner shouting at the people passing by. And he is not uneducated at all he knows his stuff, he draws people to him even religious scholars. But he offends with his blunt speech. Many people will ask "Just who does he think HE is?" and such. They don't want to look at their own hearts and purposes they don't want to look at their own ugliness.

Apostle Paul ended up being a great man but he didn't start that way. In fact he persecuted and hunted down Christians. Really, you say? Oh yeah, and he was terribly good at his job and his name was Saul at that time too. Then one day an angel of the Lord came upon him and his life got changed big time. He converted to Christianity and his name changed to Paul. He started teaching Christ's ways and boy did he teach! He became one of the greatest teachers and one of the most controversial - in fact when people start debating about Christianity, Paul and his teachings are a big part of it. He wasn't afraid of stirring the pot. He was determined to have an audience with Ceasar himself and by cracky he did - after many years of being in jail and persecuted himself.

I would love to be the voice in the wilderness - such as this world has become. I would love to become the voice that rings out the name of Jesus Christ and God from the highest mountains. I am not sure that is what God has planned for me but I think the job is not up to just one person but to all peoples who believe in Jesus Christ - Cry out in the Wilderness and let his name be known. Don't worry if you offend, don't worry if you look "crazy". The reward in the end is a glorious shining crown!

Discouragement Battle

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

~ Hebrews 10:35-36 The Holy Bible : English Standard Version.

Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant, with just a Sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor, wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again "Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground.
And the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me.

~ Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth

When Jesus comes, the shadows depart. ~Author unknown, inscription on a Scottish castle

So I am going to try and start a new format that has been buzzing in my head the last couple of days. I have had the idea of pairing scripture with lyrics and a quote on a subject that is current with daily life or events. And here is what is going on with my corner of my world and why I am battling my mind and discouragement.

When I was 23 I was pregnant with my 2nd child, not married - it wasn't even in smelling distance with my son's father. I honestly thought I never was going to BE married, I mean here I was, 23, going to have another child - what man in his right mind would want that? And I was easily influenced though really can't pin my decision on anyone but me. I made the decision to have a tubal ligation or have my tubes "tied". This way I could be free to do what I wanted without worrying about bringing in more babies. Even though there was a voice in the back of my head that kept questioning the idea I was stubborn and kept telling it that I had already said I was going to do it and to back out would be looked at as wishy-washy. I had already been called naive and stupid by my family and had been trying to look independent and smart so I went ahead with the surgery the day after my son was born.

It hurt worse than giving birth.

But when I healed and moved on I felt I had made the right decision especially when the relationship with my son's father crashed and burned. I never connected the nastier periods with the surgery or anything like that and not even sure I am now. Personally I don't think I can until I have surgery to "untie" my tubes and see if it fixes the problem. Which is the issue of discouragement that I am running into, because wouldn't you know......

About 5 years ago I met this amazing guy who, crazy enough, doesn't mind I have two kids that have different dads and I was never married. He likes my quirks and nuttiness for the most part and you know the most mindblowing part? He married me! Yup, crazy me. So here I am, married - who woulda thunk it? Certainly not me and now I am kicking myself because now guess what I want more than anything? Yup, a baby with him - actually I want lots of babies with him. Now this can be accomplished and I did research and found the perfect Dr and clinic - Dr Berger and now Dr Montieth in Chapel Hill at the Chapel Hill Tubal Reveral Clinic. And low and behold I can get surgery done I just have to come up with $4800 by February 2010.

Here is the discouraging part. I have no job. Arik does but not me. Right now we are staying with friends as the owner of the house we were renting wanted to put the house on the market and it was easier to sell it with us not in it. Our friends (God love and bless them) are supportive of us trying to raise money for the surgery and are willing for us to stay with them just a wee bit more. I am trying to find the strength and courage to persevere through all of this. Winter is never my most joyous time, I tend to have seasonal depression - what can I say, I am a flower child and need my sunshine. I just see us with limited money already, holidays coming up, trying to save for surgery AND a home, no job for me though I am searching everyday. Now the holidays are not an issue really because we implemented a tradition a couple of years ago to curb spending and keep the meaning of christmas real. We each only get 3 gifts from each other - hey if it was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for my family.

Please just pray for my family and maybe an extra little prayer for me, to help me with my patience. I know I have an amazing God that works the impossible - and this seems pretty impossible.

Struggles and Triumphs

I suffer and struggle with mental illness. I say suffer because there are times of great pain and I say struggle because I am a firm believer that I can ultimately control my thoughts and actions and when I fail it is frustrating. I am a Christian and want to lead a life that is Godly and honoring my Savior but many times lately I feel like I have fallen really short of that goal. Now my feelings can be very subjective - mainly because that is what feelings are. But maybe I can shed a better light on some things.

I have been told I am Bi-Polar, which explains a lot - of course I was told by one therapist/psych that he didn't want to "label" me. He was concerned that I would focus on the label, not thinking I would take the diagnosis and learn all I could so that I could help myself get better. Yeah, it made me want to dump his body into the cold river. See, I have Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde mood swings - it is not split personalities, just mood swings - and they can be rapid cycling, fine one minute and then something just tweaks the wrong way and a nuclear bomb goes off in my head and something ugly is born. Now it depends on what mindframe I am in on just how long that ugly thing stays - could be 15 min, could be 2 days. Needless to say it doesn't make me an enjoyable person to be around or even be for that matter. It doesn't make me happy and it certainly doesn't allow people to see God's light shining in me.

Yes there is medication I can take and I have in the past but am not currently because my husband and I were looking into getting my tubes untied so that we could have a child and I am not willing to take anti-psychotics while pregnant. But our hopes for that happening anytime soon have fallen through, which has been another frustration. I know God will work things in his time and I am committed to follow his lead. I was following a vitamin and mineral supplement regimen but finances have made getting those not a priority so it looks like it will be back on meds, because at least they are covered by health insurance. I am not thrilled with this because I do not like putting medications in my body if I can possibly help it. And am uneasy with stuff that affects your brain. Yes, they help and that is why I will be back on them for a bit.

I have struggled with mental illness and my faith for awhile. I couldn't see how any of my rages benefited God in anyway - if anything it showed how horrible a Christian could be. But when I am having one of my hateful, spiteful rages I still have clarity and there is a part that reaches out and up towards God. Those rages? They are getting shorter in length which is a comforting thing. You see, my struggles and suffering just help God's glory shine even brighter - it isn't from sin or guilt of sin that I suffer or struggle. Or at least, it isn't any one PERSON'S sin that suffer and struggle. Because there is sin in this world there will be hurt and strife. And I suppose I could point fingers - my parents, Their parents, THEIR parents and go along the line until I get to Adam and Eve. But in the end I am in control of ME and that is who I am going to concentrate on. So while I had a raging episode today it was shorter than others before and it led me to write this - after I listened to some uplifting music, which always helps me. Maybe it will help someone else.

Ponderings and Whimsy

So here it is, November is half over and I have a whopping 2000 words done for Nanowrimo. It isn't that I haven't tried just everything decided it was going to take center stage and tapdance my dream to oblivion. Now granted I could get a total writer streak going and bang something out in the time that is left - OR - I could take a step back, re-evaluate some things and regroup for next year. Don't get me wrong, I have a beginning of a story series that I will work on but I am not sure I am going to push for the Nanowrimo. Now some may say, but Crystal quitters never win - and I would agree, but there is also that other wise saying - get out while you are still sane and live to fight another day. And that is what I am basically planning to do, live to write another day. Because realistically looking at it, I am stuck with the story that I have been working on. I have other stories banging on the door in my head for their turn and also I am trying to establish routines for not only normal living but also writing life. This blog was supposed to be one of them and you see just how well I keep up with writing on that daily. Which brings up another point - my life is not exciting, or at least it isn't awe-inspiring to me so I can't really see why anyone would want to read about what is going on in it daily.

Now granted I could write about the small collection of pets that we own - 2 dogs, 2 ferrets, 2 boa constrictors, 2 turtles, 2 Bearded Dragons, 9 ball pythons, 1 Tegu lizard, 1 corn snake and 1 cat. I won't even mention the rats because they are food for the snakes - although there are 2 that are sentimental favorites in the bunch that will probably be spared. I could write about my 2 wacky kids or my lovable but yet goofy husband (I think it is in the rule book somewhere that husbands must be this because all the women I know complain about this very feature in their husbands as well - lovingly complain I might add, because let's just be honest them making us laugh keeps us younger). I could expound on the head-banging, wall-climbing frustration and boredom that encompasses my mind at times when I try to find a job and it just isn't going anywhere. This in turn doesn't help my writing on any of my stories because negative energy tends to kill creative thoughts. Not to mention it makes dealing with mental illness a bit harder.

I do want to thank my friends though, those friends that are dear and have stuck by us during these really crappy times. I thank God every day for you and appreciate you more than you could ever know.

Well there ya go in a handbasket.......

So at the end of October I had gotten back my writing assignment and it pumped me up something good. I felt like a creative guru and was 10 feet tall and bullet-proof. I signed up for the National Novel Writing Month, a bit nervous but confident I could do this. Oh yeah, you KNOW I was gonna get taken out and QUICK! So here it is, 5 days into it and I have written 15oo words - 1500 - now that may seem good to you but I have to have 50,000 by the end of the month! Not to mention that the creative guru that was crowing genius not even a weak ago is comatose and glazed eyed in the corner of my brain. Hense the 1500+ words in 4 days (I have yet to write anything today, so there is hope yet!). But let's put this slump into perspective. I have also had to pack up some belongings and move myself out into the country to my mother's for a perspective job. Because while I would love to make a living writing, it just isn't happening right now and I need to help support my family and joy, joy the hog plant is hiring. So now I am 3 hours (not sure how many miles or how the crow flies) away from my family. I love my mother but she is a bitter, cranky old lady - and her yipping chihuahuas can be rather annoying. So can her obnoxious, alcoholic boyfriend. To say that the environment is not helping my creative flow is a bit of an understatement. Not to mention there is no internet there. So how am I able to post this you say? Easy, I escaped and luckily I am not totally out of the realm of civilization that the local library has wireless internet. I almost wept with joy and thanksgiving.

So I am still determined to get through this month and get this challenge done - I just now have to figure out how to get 2000 words done a day in order to have the 50,000 minimum at month's end. If I have more, yay me, but I can not have any less. And I am determined that if I have to be away from my family and go through this then I am going to at least accomplish this challenge of writing. Now don't get me wrong, I know it sounds like I am whining. And maybe I am to a degree, but I miss my family and think I am a little entitled to that. But I think God has a plan for us and this is just part of it, so in the end we are welcoming it. Maybe not as warmly or heartfelt as God would like us to, but we are still obeying and trusting that he has the gameplan mapped out and there is a touchdown and Super Bowl ring at the end of this.

Thing of it is, don't get discouraged when you feel the urge to start a project and then get problems or delays right off the bat. Could be they are tests to see if you have the staying power. Remember, Jesus had to endure more than any of us can imagine to save us from ourselves. What would have happened if one day after someone had told him he was a blasphemer one time too many and he said, "You know what? I quit, you all are on your own. You ungrateful little spoiled brats who are happy in your own filth." And then went back up to heaven and left us to our own devices. If you feel that something you are doing to TRULY God-driven and God-designed, DON'T GIVE UP. Trust me, you will be GREATLY rewarded. Look at Abraham and many others who trusted God, even when it seemed nuts, and didn't give up. In the end, all of this is going to be well worth it.

Aimless wandering and frustrating restlessness

So I have been sitting at my "workstation" staring at my computer day after day trying to think of things to write. I mean what do I know that is informative that others may not really know that much about? Then I realize, not much really - or nothing that they can't find out for themselves with a little research and initiative. I am a baby when it comes to Christ and faith so not really sure I can be of any use there, really. I mean I feel a HUGE pull to be Paul-effective, a mover and shaker that just wakes people up, but I am a newbie so what do I know. I read my bible and I pray but most of my, um grr-ness, is just plain old.....enthusiasm? I am frustrated being stuck at home not really being able to do anything - I mean sure, I am here taking care of my family and that shouldn't be discounted. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard work, I have just never been that kind of person - I am ready to be put in a padded room, I swear there are claw marks on my walls from me climbing them.

So I got the bright idea to write. YAY! Uh, yeah, not so yay. What on earth is so important and amazing about me, my life or that around me that is interesting to those in the greater world? I mean, yeah I can make stories up, but those take time and then there is a process you have to go through and then the money from sales take time to trickle down to you. Anxiety chomps at your backside in times like these saying that time is EXACTLY what you DON'T have and you need something NOW. So I am a jack of all trades on just about everything, master of none. I love anime but couldn't spout off directors, actors or anything like that. I could explain the difference between a cartoon and an anime and what makes it an anime or not. Why it would be considered a Shoujo or Mecha anime. I could even give you some examples of some customs that get lost in translation - though can't even begin to tell you why we tend to think our kids need to be dummed down.

I feel like I am on the edge of something big - which could be good or bad depending. The waiting is about to drive me batty - patience was never my best virtue, which is probably why God is beating me over the head with it now. Granted it could be worse. I am really not fond of being told to sit still - I mean I am wired to be on the go, to do things. Times for sitting still is when I am in the country, at night - looking up at the stars and truly grasping how cool everything is. And then my mind will wander off on how everything got created and it will be off to the races again. If anyone has ideas - or you see something in me that apparently I am too close to the subject to see, please feel free to let me know. Sometimes even I need a Gibbs.

What can YOU do for your Country and Faith?

Wow, it is October already? Why is it that when you get older time flies? Next month is November and everyone will have visions of turkeys and then christmas trees and sales in their heads - me I actually am thinking of a more less thought of and more honorable holiday. Veteran's day. We can't thank the Pilgrams for their decision to head out on a unknown ocean to hopefully reach the new land - but we CAN thank those who keep our freedoms free - for they are the ones who pay the price for us, them and their families. We complain about our government, the price of gas, the wait at the red light, the rudeness of the guy that just flipped us off because WE were driving the speed limit and apparently he had better things to do at 20 miles an hour faster. We Christians bemoan the moral decay of our country but do we actually put ourselves on the front line like our soldiers and fight against the wickedness of the world or do we meekly and quietly just let it run us over because we are afraid of being shunned? We need to wake up, stand up and fight back. We are part of the problem - we need to be part of the solution. Christ was a gentle shepherd but he was also a rebel and shook up the crusty doctrine of the time. He took the MAN doctrines and threw them out the window and taught the GOD doctrine. I am not saying I am not part of the problem also, because I am. Many times I have kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to "rock the boat" - now I am not going to be one of those people who cram the bible down someone's throat or scream at them that they are sinner's and are going to hell - last time I checked, Jesus didn't do it that way, so I am not going to either. I will however, live honorably and righteously (or as much as I can being human) and when someone asks me about God or God nudges me to talk to someone I will open my mouth - Just like Jesus did. I will try really hard not to judge on appearance and will bite my tongue on my opinions. I know there will be times I will stumble and fall flat on my face in the mud but a good thing is, Jesus will be right there to pick me up and hopefully he will have a towel handy so I can wipe the shame off. But a lesson will be learned and I will trudge on. I am a survior and a fighter and though I mess up a lot of times I know deep down that God loves me and I want to make him proud of me - so I am going to do everything I can to be his toughest and baddest fighter. So I am calling to all Soldiers of Faith - suit up, put your armor on, stand tall, be proud and bare your teeth to the enemy. We aren't scared of them - We saw what God did with a rock and a slingshot, stamping feet and trumpet sounds. Satan stutters, shuts up and falls down just at Christ's words and we are his children - he ain't got nothing on us. So Today I have my armor on tight and my weapons drawn and I am gonna kick tail. I am also going to thank every vet I know for giving me my American freedoms that I enjoy and take for granted - I know that in many other countries I would already be dead now just because I am an outspoken, christian female - and those kinds of girls get dead real quick. But hey, that would almost be ok if you think about it because I would be with God, but then it wouldn't be because then I wouldn't be able to do his work down here any more either - so double-edge sword type thing. One is better than the other in the end but the other is good too.

To Blog or not to Blog - that is the eternal question

When you get to thinking about it just what is a blog? A blog is a person's attempt at reaching out, whether anonomously or not, to others to express their thoughts, opinions, daily activities, encouragement or other things. One is not necessarily better than others and there are some that are definately better suited for the trash can - but again, that is just an opinion.

Now I blog so that I can help my writing skills, maybe help my friends or whoever is out there and maybe also help myself just a bit along the way. If I wanted to be balls out honest I would say I would want people to reply and say I am witty and insightful and should have my own talk show or something. And that would be cool - and a wee bit scary at the same time. Just imagine... I could control the airwaves, I control your horizontal, I control your vertical. (And I just showed how much of a geek I can be, sheesh). And all joking aside (and TV shows too), I just want to be able to hone my skills so I can be an accomplished writer that creates fabulous stories that capture people's minds (yes, I want to control your mind! - that sounded totally like Count Dracula in my head). So you all are my guinea pigs - aren't you so happy! I would like to think that I do have decent advise and thought provoking opinions that might either change your mind about things or at least maybe look at them differently but I am not sure I am that high on the mind-changing food chain.

Kindness over niceness

I used to think that, being the child of God that I am, I was a nice person. Anyone that knows me knows that I am very animated - can be annoying or very funny depending on the weather, phase of the moon, alignment of the planets.....you get the drift - however, one thing I am not is nice (rather crushing to the ego, it was to realise this, really). But I DID realise that I AM a child of God and like Him, I am kind. Kindness is different than being nice - it is more concerned with the condition of your heart than your feelings. I would rather be kind than nice but I AM working on the nice part - and let me tell you, it is harder than you would think because everyone is so touchy these days. God is not nice, He is kind - he is more concerned about your heart than your feelings and if a swift kick in the butt is what you need to get back on track, He is more than happy to administer it to you. And if He so chooses to use me as an instrument, I am more than happy to do His work for him, mainly because I seem to have an aptitude for it.

Now this is not saying that you cannot be nice to someone because that is just plain stupid. Kindness and niceness are good friends most of the time. But next time you are about to say something or NOT say something ask yourself is it because you are worried about their feelings or their heart. If it is their feelings then maybe figure out a different way to say it so that their hearts can be put in the right place and their feelings spared. Christians shouldn't be worried about having to always be nice - Christ wasn't always nice and God surely isn't. God knows EXACTLY how much food and water your body needs to sustain life and if he needs to withhold that in order to bring you closer to him, then he will do that. It isn't nice, but it gets the job done and your heart in the right place - closer to him. He uses all sorts of things - we see it all the time in every day life, finances, marriages, relationships - go ahead, look around with fresh eyes and see how God uses every day things for his purposes. So many people want proof - what they want is physical manifestation of something that they don't believe in anyway because the proof is in front of them already and they have excuses or explanations for those.

So although I may not be the nicest person, I am kind. I am striving to be more nice or at least more gentle because Christ WAS gentle and he is my greatest hero, then it is Tim Tebow and Sailor Moon.

Soooo, yeah.

Yeah, so I had started this whole thing thinking - yeah I am gonna start writing and be a writer and writer's write and what better way to write than have a blog and write and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It is either enough energy to power a small city or enough cheer that makes you want to vomit, still haven't figured out which it was when I look back but needless to say that the energy didn't last that long and the cheer, well it went down the street and headed to a rave out in some cornfield somewhere in Iowa or something. It seemed like anything I COULD write about I didn't want to. Everything was so depressing or frustrating and the last thing I wanted to be was another ranting raving looney on the internet that was doing all the ranting and raving and not doing much of anything else to help the situation. Because while I believe that it is important for us, as Americans, to voice our discontent at how things are being handled I think it is even MORE important for us to DO something about it. Talking is good and all that but it doesn't really accomplish anything - kind of like all the people looking at a piece of trash lying by the trash can and exclaiming how rude it is of a person to not dispose of it properly and just leave it there. Yeah they are pointing out the situation but the trash is still there until one of them actually picks up the piece of trash and puts it in the bin. And the thing of it is, it doesn't have to be a big thing - it can be a little thing, but just something. I don't suppose anyone remembers what God did with a little rock and a slingshot, do they? Let me explain.

Everyone wants change and everyone has the power to put that change in effect but they want BIG change, BIG effect where little change is just as good. Take God for example; you think that loving God is reading the bible, going to church and praying. And you would be right but it is so much more than that. Loving your husband or wife is loving God, loving your children is loving God, heck loving Fido is loving God. Taking care of your garden is loving God, doing your job well is loving God (even when you hate your job), taking care of your health is loving God - you are getting the point right? So doing all these small things add up to a big thing - putting God where he belongs, IN CONTROL. Especially during these times of crisis we need to stop the infighting of who is more christian and more holy than who and fight the real enemy who is just sitting back and enjoying the show and watching as more and more families are going down in flames. Families - the last and only thing that we have left from the Garden of Eden, the only thing left that the enemy has left to totally destroy. He knows he has lost against Christ but he is trying his best to tear the family apart because if he can do that then maybe he can find a way to tear Christ's sheep away from him (we know he can't, but he is still going to try - it is just his way).

So next time your child makes you want to bang your head in frustration, give them a hug instead (try not to crush them, remember LOVING hug). When your spouse has you seeing red and secretly plotting murder, smile and thank them (through gritted teeth, if necessary and then ask God for forgiveness for the murder plot later). Wave at that grumpy old neighbor, smile at the crazy cat lady at the end of the block. Remember, all these things will add up and you never know - that grumpy old neighbor might actually wave back one day instead of flipping you off. There is always hope.

Intro of sorts - my thoughts, ideals and somewhat goals

I have been debating on doing this - blogging - for quite awhile now. Not necessarily because I think I am important or whatever, but mainly because maybe, just maybe, my musings or thoughts might be able to help someone out there. That and there is also the idea that maybe there is someone out there that can help me. I am a christian, although not necessarily new to the belief and faith, I am new to understanding just what that truly means. I mean you hear people say it but then their actions do not reflect what you think it means. I think there are many misconceptions out there as to the whole "religion" thing, I myself have had some of those and am slowly but surely learning just what God truly wants from us. It is not easy being one of the faithful, and if anyone tells you that following God is easy - they are plum crazy. Loving God isn't even always easy - mainly because we don't think like God, we never will. We are not perfect beings, God is - ergo, God's thoughts and ways are not our thoughts and ways so there are going to be many times we don't understand just what God is doing or allowing but one thing is certain -- God is Love, and not the mushy "lovey-dovey" kind of love, God is Ultimate Love. God is the Ultimate Parent - we are his children, and just like you wouldn't let your child have everything it wanted, God does not give us everything we want. Otherwise you have spoiled, self-centered children who only love and care about themselves - which honestly, I don't think any parent wants to have. And sometimes you just have to let your child fall or fail so they can learn the consequences of their actions when they disobey or ignore your warnings or rules. Besides, since when do people know what will make them happy? Every time they think they have, it turns out it doesn't fill the void that they were trying to fill up.

For some time I have been trying to discover the gifts that God gave me, and for the life of me I couldn't think of one thing that I considered "special" or "God-given". Personally, I think I am a pretty plain person, nothing really stands out to me - I am just, well me. So I would pray and ask, "What is 'special' about me that could be useful for your purpose, cuz honestly, I ain't seeing anything". I am not gifted with awesome musical abilities, I tend to have trust issues and not so good with crowds, I am not really missionary material and I have a family background that is more 'Married with Children' than 'Leave it to Beaver'. So knowing all this, I couldn't see where I was going to be of use for God. I mean really, how was a broken, nutty person like me going to be helpful in showing people how much God loves them and wants to be a part of their lives and that the emptiness that they feel deep down is because God isn't a part of their lives? I mean that would be like electing a homeless person to be President of the US. But then thoughts would pop into my head - subjects that are Godly based that I feel very passionate about - and I would start "writing" essays in my head about these subjects or issues thinking that I should write them down in a journal or something. Now let me point out something here, I don't do good with subtle stuff - sometimes I get it, but for the most part it goes right over my head around the corner and flies to the sunset. I tend to need to be beaten upside the head a few times before I spot the subtle stuff - so while I have these "essays" going in my head and thinking that they are good stuff, it didn't really occur to me that it would be useful in spreading the Love of God out to the masses -- even if those masses are mainly unseen and may or may not see what I write. See, we are all given talents or things that come either naturally or easier to us - for me it seems to be the ability to use words in a way that is able to get a point across without vulgarity or crudeness. Now I do have a way of being blunt, but it is usually with the intention that there be no misunderstanding, not with the attention of offending or causing harm. Now with that being said, there are going to be times when I do offend or hurt someone's or something's feelings - God himself can't please everyone all the time so I am not even going to try and accomplish that. But anything I DO say will be meant in the most kindest, positive way I know how. That is another misconception - kindness. Kindness is NOT niceness - kindness is seeing a need and filling that need and sometimes filling that need is not always 'nice'. It could be telling a friend that the outfit she is wearing is not flattering to her body shape. You are more than likely going to offend her but you are not saying this because of personal gain but because you care about her - the outfit could be reflecting a style that she is not meaning it to say or it could cause her to be the object of ridicule, and because you are her friend and care about her you don't want her to subject herself, whether knowingly or unknowingly, to that. See, that is being kind - not necessarily nice. And that is what I will be - kind, considerate, compassionate and thoughtful. I know I won't always be liked by the things I say, but that is OK because I will just be writing what God shows me - it is God that I want to please most of all.

Will my blogs always be about God? Not necessarily, God is a big aspect of my life, but there are many other facets to me. I am Bi-Polar for instance, I will discuss issues about that I am certain - I have a child that has a disability, I am working on getting primary custody of my son back, I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister.... the list goes on. Of course since God is the center, my rock of my life, God will be discussed quite a bit. If that is offensive or whatever to you, please exercise YOUR GOD-given right and see your way away from my blog because while I will gladly accept thoughts, opinions and debates of others I WILL NOT accept or tolerate crudeness, vulgarity or rudeness for expressing MY GOD-given rights to express MY thoughts, opinions and beliefs. That being said, I hope to have engaging conversations with you all and maybe, just maybe, we can all start understanding each other and maybe learn from each other.