Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Discouragement Battle

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.
~ Hebrews 10:35-36 The Holy Bible : English Standard Version.

Oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant, with just a Sling and a stone.
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor, wishing they'd have had the strength to stand.

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again "Boy, you'll never win! You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story. The voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory" Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth.

But the stone was just the right size to put the giant on the ground.
And the waves they don't seem so high from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me.

~ Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth

When Jesus comes, the shadows depart. ~Author unknown, inscription on a Scottish castle

So I am going to try and start a new format that has been buzzing in my head the last couple of days. I have had the idea of pairing scripture with lyrics and a quote on a subject that is current with daily life or events. And here is what is going on with my corner of my world and why I am battling my mind and discouragement.

When I was 23 I was pregnant with my 2nd child, not married - it wasn't even in smelling distance with my son's father. I honestly thought I never was going to BE married, I mean here I was, 23, going to have another child - what man in his right mind would want that? And I was easily influenced though really can't pin my decision on anyone but me. I made the decision to have a tubal ligation or have my tubes "tied". This way I could be free to do what I wanted without worrying about bringing in more babies. Even though there was a voice in the back of my head that kept questioning the idea I was stubborn and kept telling it that I had already said I was going to do it and to back out would be looked at as wishy-washy. I had already been called naive and stupid by my family and had been trying to look independent and smart so I went ahead with the surgery the day after my son was born.

It hurt worse than giving birth.

But when I healed and moved on I felt I had made the right decision especially when the relationship with my son's father crashed and burned. I never connected the nastier periods with the surgery or anything like that and not even sure I am now. Personally I don't think I can until I have surgery to "untie" my tubes and see if it fixes the problem. Which is the issue of discouragement that I am running into, because wouldn't you know......

About 5 years ago I met this amazing guy who, crazy enough, doesn't mind I have two kids that have different dads and I was never married. He likes my quirks and nuttiness for the most part and you know the most mindblowing part? He married me! Yup, crazy me. So here I am, married - who woulda thunk it? Certainly not me and now I am kicking myself because now guess what I want more than anything? Yup, a baby with him - actually I want lots of babies with him. Now this can be accomplished and I did research and found the perfect Dr and clinic - Dr Berger and now Dr Montieth in Chapel Hill at the Chapel Hill Tubal Reveral Clinic. And low and behold I can get surgery done I just have to come up with $4800 by February 2010.

Here is the discouraging part. I have no job. Arik does but not me. Right now we are staying with friends as the owner of the house we were renting wanted to put the house on the market and it was easier to sell it with us not in it. Our friends (God love and bless them) are supportive of us trying to raise money for the surgery and are willing for us to stay with them just a wee bit more. I am trying to find the strength and courage to persevere through all of this. Winter is never my most joyous time, I tend to have seasonal depression - what can I say, I am a flower child and need my sunshine. I just see us with limited money already, holidays coming up, trying to save for surgery AND a home, no job for me though I am searching everyday. Now the holidays are not an issue really because we implemented a tradition a couple of years ago to curb spending and keep the meaning of christmas real. We each only get 3 gifts from each other - hey if it was good enough for Jesus, it is good enough for my family.

Please just pray for my family and maybe an extra little prayer for me, to help me with my patience. I know I have an amazing God that works the impossible - and this seems pretty impossible.

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